Green Monster

Fun fact about Thriller: Michael Jackson mentions a "40 eyed monster." There is no other reference that we know of for this monster. Jackson's writer must've made it up.


Once again here I am
I don't know why
I keep feeling this
Year after year you prove
To be better and it shouldn't be
I'm selfish, I can't help it
Green monster's got me
I always was supposed to be better
Selfish I know
I'm stronger
Or maybe this just goes to show
I'm the weaker one

Rebel, Rebel

It's sad when the rebellion
Comes at the wrong time
I thought the farther I ran
The better it'd be
But it's getting worse
And I'm ready to scream
Don't you know when to stop
I'm getting darker
I'm getting worse
Let me be
I'm gonna break all my rules
And do all that I can to get away

Free

In reply to my one post about "being free":

I am not free
Nor have I ever been
Robotics, slavery catch me
Can't you see the red in my eyes?
I'm hurting
Does the caged bird sing?
Or does it weep and scream
And all we hear is
A beautiful song
It is not beautiful
That caged bird isn't pretty
It's bleeding, dear
I'm bleeding
And I'm not singing
I'm screaming
I am not free
Nor have I ever been.


I thought I got on a deeper level than usual. Or tried to. haha

Anger Spurts Out

Most of my stuff is angst. I've come to terms with this. You will hardly ever see a happy poem from me.

Yes I love you
But that definitely doesn't mean
That I like you
I'm feeling this sick tug
And it's hurting my neck
Why can't you let go?
I want some freedom
Please, darling
Drop me for just one second
I saw the other side
It is greener
Sorry to tell you
I really need you to let go
I am me
I am not you
As much as you want me
I need you to let go
Just a bit
Not too much
Just enough to breathe again.

More, more.

I don't even know if I have all the poems for this, so bear with me. Catching up as much as I can.

I feel a trick coming
Lead me out to the house
8 miles away from the world
I keep seeing the signs
I'm afraid of getting stuck
Or lost, please
Is this a game to you?
You know my feelings
So are you seeing how far I'd go
Trap me in a hole to laugh at
I picked you to be loved
But I can't help but see
Underlying humor in this plan
Please don't lose me
Or forget me
I'm here, waiting for you

Where Did You Go?

Should be more like, where did I go? haha

Gazing out left and right
Looking back and forward
No one's around
Where did you go?
You promised me safe land
Safe from harm
But there's no one around
Am I safe from the world?
No one can harm you
When there's no one there
The world is missing
Where did you go?
You're supposed to be next to me
We're supposed to fight together
Instead you abondoned me
Was that your plan?
Where did you go?
Hiding from me, but how?
I'm standing in an empty world
You left without a world
Took my hand, led me here
And in my blind desire
You ran, to leave me here
Blank and alone
Just the air to keep me company
Gazing out left and right
Looking back and forward
No one's around
Where did you go?

Happy Birthday?

Yes, it was/is Captain Fine's birthday. If you are all re-tards and don't know who Captain Fine is, that's Chris Pine, the yummiest GQ motherfucker you've ever seen. DAMN STRAIGHT.

But it's also my Nana's birthday. She would've been 82 years old. And she passed away a year and a half ago. So I decided to write.


Been a while
It's dark
But you can still see the smoke
Where have you gone?
You're missing
Did you wish come true?
I bet it was to stay
We're all still reeling
And we miss you
Do you miss us?
Do you look down?
I'm just wondering
Because I think we're finally ready
To put the cake away.


Sorry they've been so short. I haven't been able to construct a real poem. :(

It's Hardly Ever About A Boy...

I don't do relationships. I pretend to and make it sound like it in my poems. I'm not sure if this even sounds like it's about a guy, but whatever. I wrote it....about my roommate? Nothing bad. Just my damn annoying paranoia.

I definitely don't wanna
We'd know the ending
I can't help but compare
You and me
It's nothing personal
Wait, maybe it is
I just can't win
You're the cute, tiny, sporty, sexy
And I once thought I'd be okay
Guess not, no one's looking
I wish I wasn't me
It doesn't matter who
You're in an unknown contest
And I'm sorry you win
Your prize is your life
I try to be better
One day maybe I will
Let me starve,
Hunger, attention, sunlight
Charmed life vs. needs a life
Maybe I'll catch you on my break



Yeah, this shit just flows out of me. haha

I'm Not Gonna Write You A Long Song...

You all know that song. Sara Bareilles. Big hit. I remember when my dad downloaded me the cd, and I heard it. This was before her single was even out. And I thought to myself, yep, this is gonna be a hit when it comes out. I loved it. And sure enough, it came out, and everyone went apeshit on it. At first I thought the song was about a girl having a struggling relationship with a boy, and he knew she was a singer, so he wanted a love song to keep the relationship fresh. I don't even know where I got that, really. But it was really about the record label wanting Sara to write a pretty love song to put out, and she didn't want to. So maybe you can guess what this poem is actually about...

I hear it all before
You shouldn't be
Not supposed to
Status quo, I see
I know it's wrong
But when I'm there
I'm happy
Pressure is my maiden name
Why stop this is I love it?
Doesn't that matter?
No, no, no, it never does, does it?
I should be me
Not what you say
I know it's all wrong
I'm not the right girl for this
But you can't deny a happy feeling

College Time

I wrote this on my phone. I frequently do that. If I don't have paper with me, I just type it up on my notepad in my phone. So if I ever lose my phone, I'll lose a bunch of writing.

This was about college. I freaked the first night. Was not fun. I had such a shitty day, and I just wanted to slice up the screen on my window and jump out. For real.

Gotta admit
I wasn't ready
Tears on the pillow
I miss you
I never thought I would
I wanted away
Freedom's supposed to be nice
But I'm scared
I can't help it
Tears on the pillow
Thought I wanted this
Thought I was ready
I wasn't.

And I'm Free...

I've written a lot in my 19 years of life. Like, a lot. But when I wrote this, I realized, at the end of like, half the poems I write, I end them with "And I'm free." And I never know how I'm free each time. What makes it so different? It's like my go-to line. It's hard to describe.

Sitting, walking, jumping
Sitting alone
Walking a mile
Jumping in
Bigger than what I've seen
Suddenly I'm small
Suddenly I don't matter
I'm just like you all
And it never felt better
Falling into a norm
And I'm free

Yes, I'm behind.

Yeah, I had to backdate them because I haven't written them in here. I did write them, just not here. haha

I know it's all true
What you're telling me
But that doesn't mean
I have to believe it
Sitting here
Feeling dumb
All that I've done
Is there a point?
The intangible can hurt
When there isn't an audience
Is there a reason?
Do I need to give up?
What if I love it?

Because I Still Feel Anger...

Over someone I haven't talked to in forever. It's like that one person who haunts you. Like a breakup that doesn't go right or as intense. It was a slow decline and just ended. You don't get to say everything, and you never do. You obsess over it and feel competitive. Maybe you know who's I'm talking about?


I'm not sure why I bother
I know we're over
It isn't even to check in
See how you're doing
You caused me so much pain
But it doesn't hurt to think
I read up on you all the time
I continually ask why, why, why
But maybe I should
Be asking you the same thing
I know you do the same thing
What are you hoping to see?
We're both trying to prove
We're better off apart
Who'll be the winner
Wait and see
Who's better off?
You know it's me

This is the first time I get to talk about it. I'm avoiding work. Oh well. But this poem I actually thought about and really pondered. It's not even a relationship, it's a friendship. Maybe they'll see this, and we'll be back where we are. Haha, oh well.

I write, but I forget to type...

I really do. I am keeping up. I SWEAR. But I'm always losing things and forget.

Unfortunately, this isn't turning out so whimsical and witty as I was hoping. But life sucks right now. Maybe I'll be in a better mood once I get to school...


The final week
Anticipation mounting
Have I said my goodbyes?
Packed my belongings?
I'm scared of this road
Where am I going?
My car's breaking down
No license, spinning
Out of control
I'm not ready
Give me more time
I need to practice some more
Help, I should've been prepared
Wasted years, what to do
Help. help. HELP.




Tonights:

Overachiever,
Think I can do it all?
Watch that gorge
I'm jumping it
No, wait, more, more, more
Give me four times more,
I can do it
I'm gonna make it
Make it bigger, make it longer
I can take it
I can do it
I'm Superman, don't you see?
I'm gonna fly and smile
Too bad I know,
In the bottom of my heart
And head
I'm not making it
I'm gonna fall quick
Someone catch me
I'm falling fast
Eep.


GASP, I'm caught up. School packing sucks.

From Last Night

I'm always behind in this....argh. This was from last night.

Living in the now
Wishing it was yesterday
Freedom and happiness
Instead of war and sadness
Smoke it up
Instead of downing the pills
Born in the wrong time
Hearing all the stories
I wish I could be there
Simple as that
When simplicity was common
Now there's nothing simple
And it's too hard to handle
I miss something
I never had.





The 60's would've been fun, to be sure.

The Last Four Entries

I had vacation. With no internet. So I didn't have time. But I wrote four poems, to make up for it. haha.

One:

It doesn't matter
When, where, why
It's always me
I'm always the one to blame
It's been so long
That' I'm in the wrong
You'd think I'd be used to it
But it still hurts
To see no one care
No one notices when I walk out
Sometiems I know I fuck up
Most times I don't
But I've given up
I'm always wrong
I wish it wasn't like this
I wish I could smile when she smiles
But I've been broken down
I need air
I need a way out
Because if this keeps going
I don't think I can
Handle here anymore



Two:

Anyone? Anyone?
No one comes
No one notices
They still laugh
I still cry
They still smile
I still run
And they'd never notice
They never do
By chance one comes
and never knew I left
I'm replaceable
One second, no one cares
And there's no mention
That I was there
Anyone? Anyone?
No one realizes
No one notices
They still laugh
I still cry



Three (Unfinished):

I'm at the prime of my life
Yet it doesn't matter
I'm a permanent babysitter
And that's all I'll ever be
I don't come along to have fun
I'm free hired help
And if I forget
I'll know it and be ruined
I fear I won't know another life
I'll just be you assistance
I'm no longer a sister, a daughter, a friend
I'm a caretaker, a nurse, an employee


Four:

She's got an attitude
But the good kind
She's got a crazy laugh
You can't help but laugh with
Her smile is bright
And in her sleep,
It lights up the room
When you see her
She's reserved
But when you stay
She's energetic
She can't stop talking
And you listen and smile
She's the one you have to be around

Third Day

Once again, I'm doing a "I'm just writing here now" because I am like, behind. But I'm keeping up, right?!!?

Damp evening
Feeling lost
Little by little, the rain washes me away
And for some reason
I'm safe
So cold, yet so warm
The farther I am away
From you and the world
The safer I am
Can't wait til I can run away
New beginnings to a sad ending.




SO Bad. I know. But that's all I can think of. haha

Day Two?

I'm gonna try this free style, at the computer, on the blog, right away. I have an idea. Maybe it'll work. Haha, this is so much tougher than I ever thought it'd be.

Been a few hours
Nothing had changed
Except everything
I didn't feel like it was real
It was a dream, I was sure
Til I looked in the mirror
And didn't see you by my side.

Never thought I'd miss you
Never thought I'd be at this
But I can't believe, I'm feeling lost
You were wrong, they all told me
But I fought for you all the way
I loved the way you made me feel
Too bad it was toxic.

You and us, it was unnatural
I changed the way I was
But I loved it, I loved you
You made me feel lighter
And now that you're gone
I'm feel darker and falling
But I think I'm learning to love it

I know this is better,
They all tell me, I know it's true
Guess it'll be a while til I learn.
I'll learn to love again, at least I hope
You were my shadow for two years
Lookin' in the mirror
It's a shock like no other
But I think it's good, it's much better.










Wanna know the funny fact? I wrote this not about a guy, but about my hair! hahaha. See how you can adapt things to make it seem like love? I thought it would be an interesting concept.

It Was A Sunday...

I really didn't know how hard this was going to be, until I sat down, well, not even sat, I was cleaning, and thought about what I was going to write. And I had no clue. I really had never purposely sat down and had to write a poem/song and couldn't sleep until I wrote it. Not that I slept after I finished. I had a wonderful panic attack and couldn't fall asleep til about six in the morning. It was awesome.

But really, not more on the panic attack, more on the writing. Usually my writing is spontaneous and I have nice ideas. This one, I was really confused and had no clue. But it actually worked out pretty awesome, at least I think. Now, remember, this is the first time I'm letting my writing really be read.

I had thought up a ton of quirky, funny things to say, but sadly, I'm not in the mood for that. Song time! I got the idea that I'm never really the one who does life. I watch it. Thus, the Passenger Seat.


It was a Sunday when I saw you lookin' at me
It was a Sunday when I looked in your eyes
It was a Sunday when you walked right past me
It was a Sunday when I went home & cried.

I should've known, I should've listened
To the voice inside me
You're not the girl who catches the prince
I'm just the girl who tries

So I guess I'm not the girl that you're falling for
And I guess I'm not the girl in your dreams
I guess I'm not the girl that's caught your eye
But I guess I'm just the girl, hoping it was me.

It was a Tuesday when I touched you & felt sparks
It was a Tuesday when I knew it was real
It was a Tuesday when you left with your girl
It was a Tuesday when I felt the fool

I didn't forget, I definitely knew
It wasn't gonna be me
You're not the girl with the happy ending
I'm just the girl, ever after.

So I guess I'm not the girl you've fallen for
And I guess I'm not the girl of your dreams
I guess I'm not the girl who's caught your eye
I guess I'm just the girl, hoping it was me.

It was a Sunday
It was a Monday
It was the one day
It was every day

It was a Tuesday
It was a Wednesday
It was a sad day
It was every day

It was a Thursday
It was a Friday
It was a long day
It was the day
I wanted you
Oh, the day I wanted you

So I guess I'm not the girl you've fallen for
And I guess I'm not the girl in your dreams
I guess I'm not the girl who's caught your eye
But I guess I'm just the girl, hoping it was me
I guess I'm just the girl, hoping it was me.

I Roll The Window Down, And Then Begin To Breathe In

The Mission: Write a Song/Poem Every day.

Do I Choose To Accept It: I sure hope so.

Why: After watching Julie & Julia, I found that I have no focus. I've blogged before, but it was random, but this time, I plan to write a poem for every day. I can at least start working on being creative, which seems to always be trouble with me. This way, I have a deadline, every day. They may suck, they may not.

So join the ride, would you like to drive?